I'm learning to let the anger go. It's a blockage. A blockage of my creativity. Meditation is helping me to cut short OCD and another insidious habit: rumination.

I can look at my sister's Facebook page and realize how much I hate her. I think she is a CUNT and a rat bastard. I grow enraged and I am determined to become someone or to do something to get revenge on her and all the people who have wronged me.

Or I can ruminate over this past April when I went to her birthday party and not a single one of her friends even knew that I EXISTED. She has been ashamed of me for years. And, oh so many times, has she tried so very, very hard to look past my many, many flaws and to try to have some kind of relationship with me (even if it means just calling me once every six months.) But none of her ideas of "some kind of" relationship involve pretending that I actually exist - or that I am anything but some kind of angry, broken-down loser. That's part of who I am (and especially who I was) but it's fading away now. I'm becoming a winner again.

But my sister has always been a cunt and a rat bastard. She's always been a coward and a mediocrity. Those are the two best terms to describe her: COWARD and MEDIOCRITY. Those two words sum up her entire life.

So why am I angry? She has always been this way. Asking her to change is about as unfair as her asking me to change (which she has done my entire life.) "I WISH RYAN WERE MY BROTHER! I WISH RYAN WERE MY BROTHER! I WISH RYAN WERE MY BROTHER!" Ryan is a nice guy, but I am not Ryan.

Why waste time on people who have never taken my feelings into consideration? Why waste time on people who are embarrassed of me and ashamed of me? Some of those people may not believe this, but I actually have FEELINGS too! Can you believe that? What a concept!

I am no longer angry at my cunt sister, but I am angry at myself for always giving her the benefit of the doubt. I am angry at myself for taking so much abuse over so many years. I am angry that I have ever felt anything for her. I am angry that up until about the past year I was too depressed to fight back and this made it easy for her to treat me like an inferior.

NO MORE. I love myself. I care about myself. I have dignity and self-respect and I deserve to be treated with respect. My cunt sister is incapable of loving or respecting me, so she is dead to me. Like the rest of my worthless family (except for my father.)

What's most important is that even though I dislike them (enough to call them cunts, etc...), these people no longer have enough power over me to even elicit an emotional response. From hatred I am now drifting over to complete indifference. From "FUCK YOU!" to "Whatever..."

I realize that life is far too short to waste time. Why waste time on people like my sister when I've found a REAL family? YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

And I love you with all the love I have to give.