I never had a mother, only a soulless incubator. I grew in her metal, mechanical womb for 9 months. Like a prince raised among cruel, stingy paupers I always longed for my real home: the stars.

No wonder I still have those attacks at night. I still have a lot of 'splainin' to do. As much as a victim as I have been in the past I have also done a lot of people wrong. Right now I'm on existential probation so I better work hard, stay in line and mind my p's and q's.

I really think my phobia of severe thunderstorms and/or tornadoes is a misguided sympathy ploy. When I was a little boy and truly afraid of storms in and of themselves, my mother often screamed at me: "WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A FRIGGING RETARD! GET A GRIP! GET A GRIP!!!!!!"

What if, since then, I have been trying to prove my fears legitimate by nursing this phobia? What if all of this is just passive-aggressive behavior toward my cunt mother?

Today. What it was. Realizing all of my constant OCDs about myself and my friends getting old and dying was just that: OCD. Therefore irrational delusion. Thinking of what I've done in the past (my accomplishments) is in many cases (if not most) only obsession-strengthening compulsion. Worries about age and sexual virility are OCDs and therefore irrational delusions.

Crucifixion ain't nothin'! Working the 9-5 grind for 40 years is much worse. When I used to work I prayed: "Please God, you can crucify and resurrect me once if I never have to work again." The whole greatest story ever told is metaphorical anyway. I'm not one for any kind of self-sacrifice.

I DO, however, like the Gnostic Christ. He seemed like a cross between Alan Watts and Nietzsche. So maybe it was St. Paul who ruined Christ with morality.

All of this aside, why was 5 Guys Burger and Fries closed on Easter Sunday? What does the resurrection of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ have to do with starving me on a lazy Sunday?

I am the Coyote, the Trickster, I make a mockery of men who enslave other men. My techniques are simple (quitting jobs without notice, etc...) but my message is profound.

My favorite book of all time is "She Said Yes." "She Said Yes" is the story of Cassie Bernall, one of the students killed in the Columbine incident. When asked by one of the shooters if she believed in God, she supposedly said "yes." Then they blew her head off.

The book is about how Cassie herself was a teenage dabbler in the occult before converting to Christianity. Are you telling me that we should celebrate her as a hero because she gave up a legitimate religion like Wicca for a false religion like Christianity!

She was just a fool. She said "yes." Good.

To put myself to sleep at night I imagine myself as the Warrior Philosopher-King of a small but strong medieval community. We face invasion from a much larger force. So I lead my men to resist. First, we launch burning arrows and fireballs a them as they approach our perimeter. The perimeter is lined with all sorts of booby-traps. The traps are covered holes containing lions, tigers, crocodiles, bears and other wild animals. The next set of traps are steel pikes that impale rows of soldiers. The ones who make it past the pikes face a giant wooden wall. Any who make it over are charged by me and my men. I usuall carry a long spear that I use to impale my enemies. Sometimes I alternate with the sword. The women hide in the village armed with knives so that if we lose no one will be taken alive. Let's hope they never get that far.

This is a very cozy fantasy for me and it always puts me to sleep. Was I once a great Warrior-King. That would describe my nobility of character. What I want to emphasize is that I never wanted a GOOD world. A good world would be boring. I have always merely wanted a FAIR world where good and evil are very clearly defined.

Not too long ago I saw a Ford pick-up truck in front of me. The back of the truck was covered with tea party bumper stickers. One of the stickers said: "Actually, No One Owes You Crap."

Um, yeah you do. You owe me a lot, including a living and health insurance.

I was born into YOUR world. I was raised in YOUR society. I grew up with your oppressive children. I was expected to abide by your rules and follow your norms. I was rejected, tortured and tormented for being just very slightly out of step from your kind. It was YOUR world, but I was born into it and forced to live in it.

I was never allowed the enjoyments of your world. So why should I sacrifice my time/energy for your world? Would you like it if you were in my higher alternate world and I said to you "Nobody owes you crap"? Wouldn't be fair, right?

Today I was working on my Uncle Johnny's house with my dad. The nosy neighbors across the street were spying on us. Husband and wife were going on their little cracker nosy patrols.

Petty bourgeois. I grew up with them. They are very stereotypical. Everything in their lives revolves around their home and yard. Appearances. Yet, they would slit their own brother's throat for a dollar.

It's weakness, cowardice and denial of death.

See, I LOVE the Herd. Actually, I want to love the Herd. I would love the Herd if they worshipped the superior as gods. Instead they treat us as pariahs.

There is an imbalance there. It needs to be fixed.

Tomorrow is the 12th Anniversary of the Columbine incident. I must post something offensive about it so that I can get attention. I'm an attention-whore!

Yesterday, I went to that porno store on Route 35 in Ocean Township. Jersey Shore porno stores are beyond depressing - meager selections at ridiculous prices. $30.00 for a rather generic VHS from the 80s. Um, yeah. Get the f outta here! However, I saw a sign outside this store that said: "Under New Management! Big Sale!" I, of course was disappointed. Now the generic 80s VHS tapes were only $20.00. Wow. The selection was just as pathetic, the store just as threadbare, chintzy and garish. The fat white-trash sales girl just as fat, stupid, ugly and white trash. Down here it seems like only white garbage go to porno stores. Maybe that's because decent people have the Internet? I don't know. Anyway, there was this razzmatazz fuckshit white-trash garbage couple in the store. They were talking to the fat, Adidas-wearing, inbred-faced, white-garbage female sales clerk. Apparently they were all friends. And guess what? They had a toddler with them! The toddler was looking at the shemale videos and shiznit. Pieces of fuckshitassholefuck. Now I sound like white trash-garbage. This is what I don't get about the white trash staff and customers at this place: Why does the white trash think that pornography is trash too? They do. But then they try to convince themselves that they don't think it's trash so they take on an "enlightened", non-judgemental (suspending judgement takes a lot for them), extra-loose, "liberated" vibe. In which it's okay to bring toddlers into porn stores and talk about rubber cocks with trashy, backwoods gay men. They don't judge, but watch if their white trash hillbilly wigger boyfriend "cheats" on them! It's backwoods, postmodern and extremely depressing all at the same time. I had to get out. The porno stores in NY are so much better. And, um, I can actually buy a decent porno from this decade for $10!

The reason I like Aleister Crowley is because he is pragmatic. I doubt it is a mistake that he includes William James' "Varieties of Religious Experience" on his reading list. Sure, with enough practice one can do this, that or the other thing. But how does it benefit one's life? How does magick or meditation make one a kinder, gentler, happier and more generous person? How does it make one a more assertive and self-confident person? How does it increase lover, joy, ecstasy and the overall quality of one's life. Let success be proof. Let the proof be in the fruits - in the practical fruits. This is the first time in my life that I have seen the glamour of being truly practical. Not cowardly. Practical.

I don't understand why people consider all human life to be valuable. Someone like Snooki? Why not just kill her? I have trouble comprehending why it would not be okay to just kill some people. The inferior don't even have feelings. What is the point of preserving their lives? On a brighter note, I get paid tomorrow. No more Ramen noodles and Vienna sausage for me! The greatest mind of this generation, languishing in obscurity.

Last night, while reading the Upanishads (like a good Hindu), I had a revelation; a revelation I have had many times before, but this time I really got it: I have been depressed not because I hate life, but because I love life. I hate temporality! Which is why I am afraid of becoming too religious. I need spiritual belief to get through life, but I was always worried about moral codes. No moral codes! Nothing to worry about. I can be that bee flitting from flower to flower, understanding that it will all pass but that I can still enjoy it.