Milling on philosophy today for the first time in a while. Nietzsche's aesthetic view of life. Why he probably wouldn't like someone like Courtney, my cowardly sister. She is a mediocrity who succeeds in life through subterfuge.

What I often want is force against force and may the strongest force win. In this case I would nearly always win.

Is this why Nietzsche did not believe in free will? Did he want to see an eternally recurring eventual trampling of weakness?

Maybe not as interesting as the complexity added by the sneakiness of people like my sister.

If life is a fair fight between forces of different strengths, then life is "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots." If strength always wins, life is like the old Nintendo game rampage, a game in which King Kong and Godzilla could destroy property without any opposition. Both become boring.

So that must be why someone like my sister exists. As inherently bland as she is, she adds spice to the game!

I am very proud of myself. The swallowing phobia may have been one of the most difficult of the many challenges related to my former mental illness. Two years ago I could still barely eat mashed potatoes. Now I'm chowing down on Wendy's. Now I'm getting fat and I can't even mind that much!

I may have to cut back on my St. John's Wort intake. I thought there was no upper limit, but I may be wrong. The recommended dose is three capsules a day. I take 10 a day. I fear it may be decreasing my sex drive. I may have to slowly taper down to a more manageable six capsules a day. Perhaps Ginkgo Biloba and Ginseng can pick up the rest of the slack, no pun intended. Or perhaps I can very gradually phase out St. John's Wort and experiement with SAMe as a substitute.

Either way I will always love St. John's Wort. I am worshipful of that herb. That herb gave me my life back. It at least cleared me up enough to help me deal with the many problems I had.

I love that herb. I consider it to be a friend. But soon it may be time to gradually switch up my routine.

Things remain status quo. However, I have been experiencing a weird, prickly sensation in my hands. This must be related to supplements that I have been taking. Time to google!

I'm glad I was never trash. My dad is an up from under businessman and I grew up in upper middle-class luxury. However, I was surrounded by trash and I know it very well. I was surrounded by a lot of them when my dad forced me to work at Wall Stadium.

Trash is mostly inoffensive. Many of them are very nice, nicer than many well-heeled people. Some of them are more likely to accept people.

But their lives were depressing. The line into Wall Stadium sometimes looked like the land of broken toys - all sorts of genetic mutations and physical anomalies, from skin rashes to misshapen limbs. This was only an hour outside of New York City. Imagine what Alabama is like.

Now, this isa good portion of America - and fine! They don't bother me and I don't bother them.

But I don't think they should become international celebrities. One of the "stars" of MTV's "Teen Moms", Amber Portwood, has a classic Wall Stadium face. She looks like she should be smoking a Newport and eating funnel cake. Leave her alone! Don't hurt her, but don't make her a damn celebrity.

All of this trash-chatter is the veil that hides so many from their own lives.

Before I had Love but no Will. Then I had Will but no Love. Now I have Love under Will.

I feel like I have been on an e-mail version of "What Would You Do?" Many people ARE good. The people in my writers' group are certainly good. They all rushed to my defense. They protected and defended me from injustice. I am grateful to them and for them.