Last night I was talking to a very intelligent and perceptive woman, a former college administrator. She asked me if I regretted not going to college.

"Well, I know this sounds kind of nihilistic," I answered, "but the only regret I have is that I did not experience all the hedonism of college. Instead I went out into the real world almost right away and I ended up in a very traumatic relationship. I guess I can say my whole 20s were mostly a drag. I'm glad they're over. So, in that sense I do regret not going to college. But I didn't miss out on education. I educated myself."

That's right. I'm an autodidact. Which makes me a sharper and deadlier thinker than the average college grad. No professorial dogma has held me back. We can only learn from the library and the streets.

And the library is about to close, so I have to go.

Lord Chambers is not reactionary. Lord Chambers, like any character I can really relate to, is an aristocratic anarchist. Everything should be by and for the best. The ordinary should be treated fairly and kept happy, but the world should not revolve around them.

Lord Chambers was originally the name of my friend Eric's pet raccoon. Eric does not really have a pet raccoon, but I dreamed that he did.

Lord Chambers has a tendency to break loose from his leash and wreak absolute havoc in public places.

Analyzing my dream further, I realize that the raccoon Lord Chambers in my dream is just a part of myself, the wild, squirrely part of myself that enjoys wreaking havoc and running under the feet of panicked Herd Animals. All I want is to have fun and run around the store - I can't help that they have such horrified reactions to me!

Eric had me on a leash because Eric is the first person who taught me to embrace that side of myself, the wild, imaginative side. When I broke free from Eric in the dream, that meant that I am ready to let go of Eric's guidance and discover my own path; a sort of coming of age, an imaginative Bar Mitzvah. If only Eric had said: "Go into the world, son, and be a man."

All kidding aside, Eric was the first person to really feed my imagination. When we sat together on the bus in first grade, he came up with the most ridiculous and scatological stories imaginable and it stuck with me. Eric was like a great surrealist or even dadaist and he made me who I am today.

No homo.

How has this country become so WEIRD? All these Tea Party Herd Animals.

Why does the Tea Party hate freedom so much? Why do people in general hate freedom so much? I've spent my entire life fighting for freedom, battling against inner and outer restrictions. Freedom is nothing less than freedom: complete and total freedom to do whatever one wants so long as it does not intentionally interfere with the will of another living being. This sort of freedom is very difficult if not impossible to attain, but it is the only one worth striving toward.

Is it the economy? Well, one's bills and taxes are not as important as one's attitude toward Being. All of our problems may be due to a lazy orientation toward Being. Should the entire world meditate?

And what the hell does the economy have to do with a man or woman's right to marry someone of the same sex. If they had kept their nose out of other peoples' sexual business perhaps I'd be willing to keep an open mind.

Or what about the right to worship one's own God - or no God at all?

People are fascist. Average, common people are the worst fascists of all. The working-class tends to breed a lot of fascists.

Ironically, Herd Animals have to have freedom FORCED upon them. They don't know what freedom is and when they have a sense of what it is they do not want it.

Now I sound like a Tea Party bigot, turning everything upside down. But this will be for their own good, for their own well-being. They need FREEDOM forced upon them.

Took Valerian root last night which helped me to fall asleep.

I've worked really hard at learning how to enjoy my life again.

Last vestige of depression: fatigue.

I could not enjoy the "Meet the Breeds" event at the Javits Center as much I should have because I was so tired. I needed caffeine, but my one-day-a-week caffeine fix had been the day before.

I need to be less rigid. I COULD have had caffeine two days in a row, especially if it would have helped me to enjoy special moments with friends.

Life is too short to not live, love and enjoy.

Again, I need to break out of my terribly stereotyped and lockstep behavior and determine for myself when I can break my own rigid rules.

I need to break out of my latest funk. Insomnia. So much difficulty getting to sleep at a decent hour. And I want to enjoy mornings again. I wish I could drink coffee without becoming addicted or making depression worse.

Oh, but I still reserve it as a once a week treat. Oh, those are some moments! Early in the morning, sipping a cup of joe and getting a decent - FOR A CHANGE - start to the day. Oh!

I have trouble sleeping because I become terribly anxious living in that house all by myself. I get lonely and scared. I wish I had someone I love to live with me. Not necessarily in the same bed, but at least in the same house, so I could go to them when I get scared.

I'm really just a little boy.

What I do differently on days I do not get depressed:

- Wake up early and right away.

- Have a hearty whey protein shake.

- Start the day briskly, not sluggishly, and do not waste too much time dilly-dallying.

- Stay busy through the whole day with no brain-dead lags.

- Look forward rather than back.

- Break out of my OCDs using exposure (and as I grow stereotyped in different ways, to always adjust.

I have all the talent, but I have too often scattered my energy in too many different directions.

I don't really believe this, but sometimes I like to spook myself by thinking that I might be dead and just not know it, like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense."

This is mostly because so many of my past moments seem like they were in a different reality, a different life. They seem strange and bizarre next to the way my life is now. And my life now can often seem strange and bizarre.

I had a nightmare the night before last. Despite feeling better by the day, I have panic attacks and nightmares at night (this makes it difficult for me to go to bed before 4am.)

This was my dream:

I wake up and go downstairs. Everything is covered in watery sludge and everything is wrecked. Water is coming from the crockery closet. The lights in the dining room are out (as they are in "real" life), making the place very dark. I try to put in a lightbulb, but it's bent out of shape. Going into the living room I am disturbed to find that the curtains and blinds are removed and that the windows are exposed. There is spackle all over the walls.

I am dead and the house is being worked on.

Last night I was reading Stephen Hawking. I can't understand much of him during the day, so I read him at night so he can sink into my subconscious. Last night I was reading about time.

If/when the universe contracts time will move backwards. Anyone who is alive at that time will experience the future as the past. People will die before being born. Women will have birth before getting pregnant. Broken saucers will hop back onto the table and repair themselves.

No wonder I have trouble falling asleep at night. Perhaps I should read John Grisham.

I hate Christianity because I find it very servile. Christianity calls for humility, self-denial and self-sacrifice. How could even a masochist (the most sensual and narcissistic of all) buy into this nonsense? And turn the other cheek? The worst philosophy of all! It only allows evil to prosper! Not that Christians usually turn the other cheek. Ask Hypatia.

Their code of forgiveness allows the truly evil to repeatedly get away with evil. Like Michael Vick. Go on any message board about Michael Vick and there will always be at least one yahoo who says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" or "Judge not lest ye be judged."

I don't care how loaded I am with sins - I'll throw a stone at that piece of shit's head. I'll judge him too. He doesn't deserve to live. He deserves to have his cock ripped from his body with a pair of tongs. Christians have committed such tortures in the name of their false god. Why not in the name of doggies?

The three people/groups I want to attack right now:

1. Michael Vick. Do I need to explain why? How quick people are to forgive and forget. Some never hated him in the first place. I would like to kill his family in front of him.

2. Mike the Situation. His book comes out on November 2nd. I'm going to urge my followers to steal or destroy and/or deface his books.

3. The Tea Party. They believe a nation's laws should be handed down by a Creator. Isn't it ironic that the terrorists they so despise believe the exact same thing?