Bad Relapse Today

I had a bad relapse today. DEPRESSION!!! I feel better now. I got some food in my stomach and I hit the St. John's Wort tea a bit earlier than usual. I envy anyone who had a childhood. I'm still a child.

When I was a kid and I felt like I had been emotionally punched in the gut I hid under the covers and I mentally took myself to a better, kinder world. In this world was a beautiful girl who loved me unconditionally. I poured out everything to her and I just wept and wept and wept. There is a certain magic to feeling sorry for oneself. I don't trust anyone who has never known this feeling.

If that world is some kind of after-life I would kill myself in an instant. But no one can ever be sure of these things. I am NOT threatening to commit suicide.

One of the important steps in overcoming depression is acknowledging the pain. Don't try to hide from it. I must admit that I am WRACKED with pain. Pain has been a fact of my life for years now. Even in my best moments I am seldom IN the moment.

Wallow in pessimism and don't be afraid to spend time with Schopenhauer and Kierkegaard. What's odd is that every time I consciously wallow in pessimism things seem to instantly get better.

And overall I have been improving. I don't want my second childhood. I want my FIRST childhood. Right here, right now. I refuse to be a "normal" adult until this happens. I'm on strike godammit!