A lot of the reason I stay up until 5am in the morning on most nights is because if I go to bed any earlier than that I sometimes have massive anxiety attacks.

If I go to bed at, say, 3am, I'll wake up at 3:45am in a total, sweat-soaked panic and then I'll have to sit and stare at the wall for an hour and fifteen minutes before the world even begins to come alive again. Whereas if I go to bed at 5am and wake up in a panic at 5:45am I will only have a measly 15 minutes (approximately) until the sun is up and people are starting their cars to leave for work, etc...

I'm lucky I'm 6'1". I'm lucky my growth was not stunted by the many, many nights I stayed up all night looking at every corner of the room, waiting for an alien to appear. I think of the scene in the film "Communion" when Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken's character) is sitting on the edge of his bed and the alien peeks out from behind his dresser. How many hours have I sat on the edge of my bed looking at my dresser? Too many to count! If you add up all the decent sleep I have lost I am sure it will add up to years - years of sitting anxiously as the entire world sleeps.

When I was a kid I hardly slept at all for fear of what could happen at night. Now I am 30 years old and I am still up all night.

Last night it was a panic attack. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe and I had chest pains and heart palpitations. My finger was on the dial, ready to dial 911 the moment my heart seized.

My entire body was shaking uncontrollably. My arms trembled so badly that I could not even pick up a glass of warm milk.

Finally, around five in the morning I felt calm enough to attempt sleep again.

Believe it or not I am actually grateful for my panic attacks. For me they mean one thing and one thing only: THE DEPRESSION IS OVER.

Or at least mostly over. I still have my moments but my depression simply cannot stand up to everything I am throwing at it.

Whenever depression dissipates my anxiety gets much worse. When depressed I can't feel enough to get anxious.

I suppose it would be best to suffer from neither but I will take anxiety over depression ANY DAY OF THE WEEK AND TWICE ON SUNDAY!

These panic attacks tell me one thing and one thing only: I am finally on the right road.