I don't like my new stepfather

I no longer try to fixate on my mother. Dwelling on the worst of the past is certainly not the most productive use of my time (and it's a bad, hard to defeat habit anyhow and is one of my worst personal habits.)

However, I have recently had sexual fantasies about her. I think of when I took a shower with her when I was five years old. She was only 28 years old at the time and she had big, full breasts, beads of water on those big breasts!

As the years went on I occasionally caught a glimpse of her nakedness. One time her labia was hanging out of her swimsuit. Other times she used the bathroom in front of us.

Do I feel there is anything morally wrong with fantasizing about my own mother? No, not really. Her actions have made her fair game. She spends her entire life hurting people.

I looked up her profile on Facebook only for the sake of gathering masturbatory fodder. However, I left disappointed. I found one good swimsuit photo of her, but her legs looked terrible. They were gray and dappled, like breakfast scrapple. Not only that, but she had that characteristic "dumb Polack" look on her face, which means that she has her own way of looking like she got hit in the face with a can of fuck. It's slightly different from the Snooki guido version, but it's a second cousin once removed.

Anyhow, I was shocked to discover that she is in a relationship! How is that possible? She is just about the meanest cunt in the world! How could any guy be good enough for her? And how could any guy last five seconds with her? And, damn, does she have the right to be happy and successful considering that she has devoted her life to being a human wrecking ball, to wreaking hate, damage and destruction on the lives of good people?

I checked out the guy's profile and he is a total herb! He also seems oddly too good for her. He's a handsome man, in his 50s, tall, fit, muscular, slightly balding and well-groomed. He is some kind of aircraft technician down in A.C. He graduated from the same Atlantic City high school as my mother, so I suppose he's an old high school chum?

He posted the following message on her wall on Mother's Day:

"Happy Mother's Day, Janice. I know how much you mean to me."

I suppose she has tricked him into thinking she is a saint! She was always a good phony! There were times when she performed actions so completely insane and batshit crazy that she made Hannibal Lecter look like a fine, upstanding citizen. Then the phone would ring and she would put on that phony PTA voice and whoever was on the other end of that call thought she was the mother of the year!

I took this herb's comment as a personal dig aimed at me! If only he - and all her other dupes - knew the truth! But maybe EVEN THEN it wouldn't matter. Perhaps THEY are brutal people too! Maybe there is a chance that I was just born in the wrong time/place/class. These are BRUTAL people! I've always felt like either I was the alien or they were the aliens. The artist always wants to live in the past or the future.

If I still talked to my mother at all (I have not spoken to my mother in well over 3 years now) I could imagine her boyfriend and I (my new stepfather!) coming to blows.

I imagine the herb saying something like this to me:

"You know what? I'm a father. I have a son (his son is probably my age and is probably a typical douche working some good douchy job somewhere) and I would never take any of your bullshit from him! I've heard of all the terrible things you've put your poor mother through! A bum like you doesn't deserve such a good mother!"

If I said anything in response he would probably say:

"You know what? I've had it with your shit! Come on! Come on, toughguy! Let's see how tough you really are! Right now! You and me! Man to man! Come on! Put your dukes up!"

And then, whether I won or lost, my mother would throw me out and comfort him. (I hope I wouldn't lose to such a herb.)

I am Judd Nelson and he is the teacher in "The Breakfast Club."

Or I am be Alex from "A Clockwork Orange" and he is the parents' preppy new boarder (and adopted "real" son.) "I've heard about what you've put your poor mum and dad through, chap!"

Anyway, even better than mining my mother for masturbatory fodder is mining her for material.

Go me!