My depression is hitting and I don't know why. Perhaps I am getting a bit sloppy and indulging in copious amounts of both caffeine and sugar. Other than that I've been eating well. The swallowing phobia I have been dealing with since 2008 really is a metaphor. There is a blockage in my throat. A blockage of energy. Every time I have not spoken up for myself has formed a solid leaden mass. Sometimes I seem normal, funny and charming but it feels like I have a huge lump in my throat and I am about to cry.

This is all flirtation with death and despair itself. I have to fight it off.

I'm too good for it. I move slow like a sloth because in some ways I do seem to live in an eternal present. I am Dionysian. I clash with my Apollonian Grandfather.

Once again, I am a writer who does not really know and cannot really sort out his own emotions. I was never allowed to really own or express my own emotions. I'm afraid. I'm guilt-ridden. I'm superstitious. I can't defend myself even when I know I should.

This includes my feelings about my family. I can really let most of them go. My cousin Ryan is a great guy, but I can let most of them go.

My Grandfather has been tough for me because I have grown disappointed and disillusioned with him in many ways. This actually does HURT. It's too much to go in to now and it's very late, but I just wish my old feelings toward him could have been perfectly preserved. Now I have to live with reality. With the fact that he is not who I thought he was. He's a blind old fool literally and figuratively.

My friends are my family and thank God I have them. How many times have I punished them for the sins of others? I have to be less of a coward and direct hate to where it belongs.

I've been depressed because I haven't owned up to the emotions I've felt today.

I am afraid to even write this about the man. Afraid I will be punished by some supernatural force.

But I also know it won't happen because I know I am in the right and that I feel freshest after leaving his stifling atmosphere.

I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR MY HAPPINESS TO ANYONE!

Lord knows it was hard enough to get it and keep it.

More on this some other time...