Trying to sell the Aliza novel...

Well, this week was a very good week. I was run in the New York Press this past Wednesday. The philistine in me (and let's face it - I always have been a philistine and I always will be a philisine) gets off simply on seeing my name in print. Let alone having a 900-word story in print.

Not only that, but this piece scrambles the codes. That's what the most creative schizophrenic does: he scrambles the codes. This is a rather odd, bizarre piece. Just like me - odd and bizarre.

But what is most rewarding about this latest success is that I turned terrible pain into something tangible - something that is sitting in thousands of bins in New York right now. My work LIVES. It's all over the streets of the only city that matters. My pain was not in vain (nice rhyme.) I did something creative with it.

I wrote that piece after several nights of difficulty sleeping. I was plagued by the fact that I have only been able to do probably less than 1% of what I have wanted to do sexually.

It was motivated by Aliza. I wrote a short novel about Aliza. I'm my own harshest critic and I must say that the short novel is a miss. It's a pretty good miss (better than 99% of the stuff out there that sells - better than Junot Diaz), but it's still a miss. See, I would have to write a series of interconnected novels, a volume which would be bigger than Proust's Remembrance of Things Past to really "get it." For ME to "get it" - let alone others.

See, Aliza is the avatar of our time - of everything that went so TERRIBLY WRONG.

This is what Aliza represents to me:

To me she represents every single gorgeous female ass that I watched pass me by. SHE IS EVERY LONELY NIGHT AT A CLUB. She is every tight Italian or Puerto Rican ass in tight pants passing me by in a club. She is everyone who worshipped the inferior while shunning the superior. She is all the shame of Sega Genesis and a corporatized sexuality.

SHE IS EVERY GIRL THAT LAUGHED AT ME BECAUSE I COULDN'T DANCE.

OR BECAUSE I SAID WEIRD THINGS.

OR BECAUSE I WAS AWKWARD OR NERVOUS.

OR BECAUSE I TALKED OVER HER HEAD.

OR BECAUSE I SHOWED WEAKNESS.

OR BECAUSE I SHOWED VULNERABILITY.

Here's the important one:

SHE IS EVERY GIRL WHO SHUNNED ME BECAUSE I WAS NAIVE AND INNOCENT.

SHE IS EVERY GIRL WHO SHUNNED ME BECAUSE I WAS NAIVE AND INNOCENT.

SHE IS EVERY GIRL WHO SHUNNED ME BECAUSE I WAS NAIVE AND INNOCENT.

Or

SHE IS EVERY GIRL WHO WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO EXPERIENCE SEX AND DRUGS AS A TEENAGER

See, the shambles of my teens and much of my 20s are a perfect example of when the ideal clashes with harsh reality.

There is desire and then there is attainment. I had all the desire in the world and frustrating road blocks were constantly thrown in the way of the attainment of those desires. I don't have to be Freud to tell you that THIS is what gums up the works and leads to every psychological problem under the sun. If only half of my desires were met I would be a much better-adjusted person.

At every party, club, social event all of those tight asses passed right in front of my face. And so seldom did they allow me to do anything about it.

They TEASED me.

They TORTURED me.

They TANTALIZED me.

They MOCKED me.

They LAUGHED at me.

And worst of all:

THEY PATRONIZED ME!!!

Well, you know what? This story that was run in the New York Press should tell you that I have some experience with depravity too.

I was held back by people like Aliza but I have persistently followed the blocked road that should have been easy to cross. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM BEING HUMAN!

At heart I am indeed a FIGHTER. For Christ's Sake, half the time I can only think in terms of power, dominance, weakness, submission. I was raised to think only in terms of that binary code.

I'm one of the rare, elite few who can ejaculate at least 35-40 times a week. For me to feel so much and to receive so little. A travesty. A waste. An unforgivable sin committed against me.

Well, as of last Wednesday it has been time to fight back.

THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED ME WILL BE FORCED TO MAKE AMENDS FOR THE SINS COMMITTED AGAINST ME.

On that note I would like to thank the few, rare, exceptional, extraordinary individuals who have loved and helped me.

You know who you are.