Meditation

Until now I was afraid of meditation, afraid of it making my earthly life less rather than more.

Probably because I was doing it incorrectly. I was doing something different every day, which is a recipe for failure. The important thing to remember is to do the exact same exercises every single day without fail. Exercises may be added, subtracted or altered only a little bit at a time.

In my opinion this is important in case I happen to get off on the wrong stop, on the wrong floor. Meditation must be apolitical. Neutral. More neutral than Switzerland. In that space there can be no good or evil, right or wrong. There can be no opposites and there can be no non-opposites. There has to simply be nothing. One must float in the cosmic ocean and if even the cosmic ocean is thought of that is too much of a thought, too much of a concept.

And this is most important: THERE CAN BE NO MORAL IMPERATIVES.

Before I was fitting my meditations to an agenda. For instance, when I was with my ex, I was over-meditating to kill the flesh. The only thing my over-meditating seemed to do was to make me more fleshly (I became something of the sex maniac that I am now, spending most of my time in Manhattan peepbooths) and to, after the fact, make me furiously OCD that I somehow damaged my psycho-sexual apparatus. This didn't happen, of course, but I did get off on the wrong stop, a neurotic and compulsive stop.

At other times I've placed other agendas and goals on my meditation. Again, one cannot alter the meditation to fit anything. It is the one place that is free from all of that! That is why it must always remain the same and only increase or decrease gradually.

Last night I realized that I am absolutely loaded with moral imperatives. While meditating, my mind is saying: "Think this. Don't think that. Do this. Don't do that." None of it is what I want to do or not do! Those voices, those commandments, those imperatives are ALL from others. Last night it seemed as if not one thought was mine! No wonder I am so prone to boredom and depression - I am always worried about my duty! How much fun is life when it is treated like a duty carried out from moral commands that I do not fully agree with or understand? And even if I do wish to abide by some of these imperatives meditation is NOT the place to dwell on them! You notice how I refer to meditation as a place? That's because it is its own time and place.

Will meditation help to make me less moral? Hopefully. If anything I have been too moral throughout my life. The fact that I never had a childhood (that I was never allowed to let loose, let my hair down and have fun) has only had me compensate in various outrageous ways.

Hopefully meditation will also make me less overly-intellectual. There's not enough of the intellectual in the world today, but when I speak of the overly-intellectual I am thinking of the endless cud-chewing rumination that takes me far from all the joy of life! Maybe I will soon be a romantic once again.

What's most odd about the changes that have taken place since starting my latest round of meditation is that my practices have made me more sane and rational. I am actually much less superstitious than I was before. It's like all the fears, clouds, confusions and muddledness around my supernatural interests have been cleared away. I am now almost beginning to feel like a skeptic, like someone who is less inclined to believe the fantastic and more likely to debunk it - without ceasing to believe in the extraordinary and unbelievable. My OCDs always thrived on superstition and now I'm not as afraid that if I don't do this or that around this or that thing something bad will happen.

Cutting through my own superstitions has also made it easier for me to see the nonsense of most organized religions, especially Christianity and Islam. Anyone who is dogmatic or fundamentalist in either of the above two faiths is further from any kind of religion than the most fervent atheist. They are farther from religion than anyone.

Wow. Geez. Don't I sound so much saner than usual? Don't I sound as cool as a cucumber?