I mowed the lawn today and I accidentally spilled gasoline on my sweatpants. Panic! What if the gas hurts me penis? I went upstairs and showered for an hour. I'm not cut out for suburban life. Thank goodness I do not live in a McMansion neighborhood. I know it is a stereotype, but yes, the white bourgeois are downright homicidal when it comes to lawn care. They are all worried about their PROPERTY VALUES!!! (Don't worry I'll stop bashing the white bourgeois soon enough. Why? Because bashing that particular group is so old hat!)

What I don't understand is this: why should a neighbor's messy lawn affect SOMEONE ELSE'S property values? As long as THEIR lawn is not messy why should any buyer or broker care about the neighbor's lawn? People don't know how to mind their own business. Imagine if I lived in a McMansion neighborhood! Imagine if I went a week without mowing my lawn as I sometimes do now! I would be hanged. But why? Property values? Why would they attack me and not the system that determines a property's value? Why attack me and not the irrational system?

This is just a small part of my general inversion of everything, of all values that are held sacred or taken for granted. Why doesn't anyone else ever think about this stuff?