I stood in line at the supermarket. A middle-aged white fellow in front of me was buying pound after pound after pound after pound of ground beef. Pound after pound of it. He wore latex jogging pants. What's the point of jogging if you're going to be dead of "bovine spongiform encephalopathy" in ten years? Save the jogging and live it up. Have more orgasms. Really, how can people eat ground beef and still plan for a long-term future? You're eating a 15 year BULLET that will blow your brains out just the same. And ground beef is particularly dangerous because there is more of a chance of brain and other nervous tissue being mixed in to the mess and all it takes is that one undesirable protein - and that's it! You have a ten to fifteen year timebomb in your body just waiting to go off.

"Mmmm! What kinda meat you got there?" said the black woman at the register.

"Beef and plenty of it!"

"Oh, I see that!" she chuckled.

What a lewd conversation!

I had a nightmare not too long ago. I was sitting in my chair and eating handful after handful of parmesan cheese. Parmesan cheese contains rennet which is made from the stomachs of sheep. In other words, parmesan cheese is a Mad Cow hazard. I woke up sweating!

"Oh, thank God! It was just a dream! I didn't really eat all of that parmesan cheese!"

I have not been this close to outright veganism in years. At least I know that, with all of the precautions I take, if I somehow end up with Mad Cow disease (from a certain kind of dairy or a contaminated utensil, etc...) everyone I know and love (almost all of them are rampant and unapologetic beef-eaters) will turn into a Mad Cow zombie along with me.

There is some comfort in that. We'll all waste away and go out together! But, if by some ironic twist of fate, I end up with Mad Cow disease (while all the beef-eaters are as healthy as non-infected cows) please - my dear, dear friends - inform everyone of how brilliant I was!