Female Drivers: Can U Not Tailgate

Today I was driving over the Belmar Bridge and two females in an SUV were tailing me so damn close that if I had to have hit my brakes for even a black person there would have been a ten car pile-up. See, they were doing what I call "Guidoing". They probably have dirty potty mouths too. They probably brag about driving fast on the parkway and cursing, like, way too fucking much! Because if you go JUST the speed limit in Jersey you are inviting all kinds of aggression!

There were two - a young one and an old one. The young one looked like she had a stinky ass. Was probably wearing warm-ups to go play soccer. Probably a cool chick who cursed way too fucking much. The older one was almost a stereotypical guidette type, except... Except, except, except...  I have a feeling she was probably not a smoker. No, she was not quite a smoker. She was not one of those smoky-faced things, the kind who "work hard their whole lives". No, she was a class increment just above the smoky-faced old thing. Anyway, stinky-ass soccer pants was driving, non-smoking (because she is just the taddest bit higher socioeconomically) guidette with blonde frosted hair was in the passenger seat and boy were these aggressive Jersey bitches tailing me, tailgating me, had their SUV rammed right up my rear end. 

So I started mouthing in the rear view mirror. "Hey Cunt! I'll kill you, cunt! What are you doing, cunt? I'll rape you, cunt! I'd love to rape you, cunt! Tailgate me, cunt! I'll rip your breasts off and eat them you filthy cuntwad bitch fuck whores." I mouthed all of this in my rear view. When I made a right to exit, they were for a split second to the right of me. STINKY-ASS SOCCER pants looked at me. The window was down. So I screamed the word CUNT!!!!!! as loud as I could. She looked at me with a look that was somewhere between "What is this guy's problem?" and "What is wrong with this guy?"

No! What is wrong with YOU! YOU were TAILGATING ME!

But my Daily News Horoscope told me to put a positive spin on things today, so I have to REFRAME what I called her, the word CUNT.

So now cunt is Can U Not Tailgate Me.