Frustration

I'm so frustrated. I just want to get published again. I have so much to give, but I can't even give it away. I just want to be a winner again. I just want to feel like a winner again.

I can't go to a family party without people looking down their noses at me because I don't work. Because I'm dysfunctional. Because I have to survive on handouts. So many places around here where I have to walk with a cringe. So many times I've had to hang my head in SHAME.

So many times I've had to hang my head in SHAME.

And I'm better than all of them.

I'm better than all of them.

If only they knew (not that they would ever care) all that I have inside me. I have infinite universes inside of me. And I want to at least have the privilege of GIVING it away. And nobody wants it.

And I'm a broke, fucking failure. A failure by any measure in this society. I have to fight so hard for not even scraps!

IF I GET A LETTER TO THE EDITOR PUBLISHED IN THE DAILY NEWS I HAVE TO CONSIDER IT A SUCCESS!!! That's what I need now to even feel like I might deserve to rest my head.

THAT is how bad it has become. That is not even a SCRAP.

I don't know anyone else who writes like me and I can't get picked up to save my life.

Everyone in my writers group thinks I'm a genius. They don't understand why I'm not getting published.

There is no one else out there who writes like me. No one else out there has either the cleverness or the courage to write about what's really happening. Instead Kim Kardashian is the only God we have ever known and I'm reduced to penniless obscurity - living off disability checks.

If only they all knew how much is inside of me and how it is just bursting to get out.

Not that they would care.

It's like the novel I'm reading now Of Human Bondage.

When I was younger I always thought that I would get this or that pretty or popular girl as soon as she realized how smart I was, how charming I was, how "deep", how intellectual, how funny, how kindhearted and everything else.

What I did not know was that all of my GOOD qualities WORKED AGAINST ME. Every ADVANTAGE I had is what hurt me. How can I make sense of a world like that? It is a "transvaluation of all values." It's like some bizarre Twilight Zone universe in which up is down and down is up. Everything that appeals to noble human beings disgusted members of the mass.

And, like Philip, I put on displays for them. I BEAT THEM OVER THE HEAD WITH MY BRILLIANCE. I was accused of being an egomaniac more than once. I displayed my wit, my creativity, my inner world, my accomplishments to them - AND IT DIDN'T MATTER ONE BIT.
They were looking for one thing and one thing only and I didn't have it. I wasn't ugly enough, or stupid enough, or mediocre enough or conformist enough. My superiority, the qualities responsible for my best moments, were also responsible for so much grief and heartache.

I still want to share with this world (I don't know why.) Maybe it's not for them. Maybe it is for me. Maybe it is revenge. Because I've had people who aren't even good enough to wipe my ass treat me like I'm nothing but a total loser!

And, yes, everyone who really knows me knows that I have so much more to give than the average Herd Animal that sits in judgment of me.

But how do I go and get it out there?

FRUSTRATION!!!