Damn Worried...

I did not go to sleep last night because I was afraid I would never wake up. Yes, I was having chest pains and heart palpitations. The best news is that I was also suffering waves of panic attacks (the same old feeling: overstimulation, an almost stoned-like feeling of unreality, etc...). So, hopefully, my physical symptoms are related to the panic and anxiety.

But I can't be sure. Just last weekend I almost fainted in the shower. I closed my eyes to enjoy the hot water hitting my body and all of a sudden I lurched over.

In my honest opinion my problems are a result of severe anxiety. The only good thing about what has been happening is that it may mark a definite end to my depression. When depressed I am at the very bottom of the scale. Panic, anxiety, twitches and increased OCD ritualizing are all symptoms of convalescence. When I am depressed I have trouble caring about life or death enough to be anxious, panicky or overly OCDish.

It's understandable why it's happening too. In the past year I have made all sorts of improvements in my life, but when was the last time I've slept, eaten or - in general - lived normally in any kind of way? I can't remember! Despite not even having a job I am constantly under stress (the OCD stress I put myself under.) And this is not when I'm not buffeted with depression. Who knows what kind of imbalances have been created. I just want to live long enough to get checke dot.

I can't die now! I don't want to die now! Things are finally getting better. And I have so much more work to do.

If anything does happen, make sure my mother doesn't grandstand at my funeral. I appoint my friend Chris to be executor of all of my unpublished writings. Spread my ashes wherever I was happy (which means nowhere on the Jersey Shore.) Maybe Central Park or 42nd Street would be a good place.

Am I being dramatic or covering all of my bases?

I guess I just have to get myself checked out. So, what's the deal now with health care?