An Eerie Exercise

Sometimes I go through diaries and journals of the periods when I was most severely depressed. I sometimes do not recognize the person who wrote those notes.

Here are some examples:

I think my eye is twitching, either from too much caffeine or too much tension. Thinking that makes me feel better, but I also do think that explanation is closest to the truth.

I need to either lessen or channel this anxiety about death.

Compulsion to read or learn. Compulsion to pick up a book. Novels can be escapes from death. I wish I could scream. Yes, I am or wish to be a scientist of myself and others, but to also catharsize myself enough to stay sane.

My intense dislike of others. Why, exactly? Why do I hate inferiors? Is it because of what I went through at the hands of inferiors? Oh, I'm certainly drinking tonight - it can help here and there to relieve, at least, my constant muscular tension.

I am both an impetus and a conduit.

Who am I trying to impress? Am I mean to others? Get back in the flow. Is my life resolving itself? Hopefully not tragically.

When I told Kathy I took pride in the flowers (which, comically enough, is true) and she said, trying but not succeeding in disguising her condescension "Pride's important." If only she knew how much pride I have in myself. If only she knew the real story - who and what I really am!

The whole purpose of having sex with as many partners as possible is to relieve compulsions. I wanted to become more human through sex.

All of this was during one of the relatively light periods of my depression. Maybe I will one day share notes from some of the darker periods of that long depression.

But I don't want to think about those times now. I am now happier than I have been in probably 5 or more years.

I chalk it up to a few things:

1. The people in my life.

2. Cutting out caffeine and alcohol.

3. Taking a load of supplements throughout the day.

4. Improved diet.

5. Exercise

6. Meditation

7. Forcing myself to stay busy and to get out of the house.

8. Finding a focus and once again channeling my Will.

I've become so happy at this point I am growing OCDish about once again sabotaging myself. But I doubt this will happen.

I JUST DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING BEFORE.

Now I have something of a clue.