Relapse or Convalescence?

Last night. Couldn't fall asleep. Bad anxiety. Worried about Buddhism and falling into pessimism. But more than that I was absolutely shocked and horrified by the way that I've lived the past few years. Wondering when was the last time I felt pure pleasure, completely unsullied by OCD (a good example of a pleasure-destroying OCD is the OCD about time, the mind-bending fact that time actually passes and I can't hold on to the good moments forever.)

When was the last time I just sat by myself and took pure pleasure in listening to a song? Or having a meal?

A lot of the anxiety is probably because meditation is breaking me down. But I don't want to fall into pessimism and negation - I want to meditate to hone and then direct my Will and, yes, it has been helping. A lot. Things are getting better, not worse. Still, anxiety. Anxiety so bad it makes me nauseous.

The important thing is not to become obsessed with the meditation. Do it and then focus on life.

Probably a lot of the anxiety had to do with realizing what a huge role OCD plays in my life. It controls almost everything I do. I almost hesitated to put in the "almost."

Why are those of us with higher IQs punished like this?

I was reading about the Tea Party Herd Animals today. They're not tortured by these particular issues the way I am. What are they protesting? Don't they realize they are only cattle? Do they not realize that their only function is to do their job quietly and well?

Down with the masses!