Loneliness and Isolation

The two biggest curses in my life have always been loneliness and isolation. Sometimes my life feels perverse, like I was a beauty who was locked in an attic for years, her angelic looks withering away by the day! That's a nightmare. I think of Hobie.

Hobie was my cousins' dog. He was a small white dog, a Westminster terrier. However, my cousins were not good pet owners. Hobie spent most of his life in the laundry room. Westminsters have long lives. They live almost as long as cats.

Hobie was neglected his entire life. A heartbreaking story. When Hobie was five years old he had been neglected for five years. But he wasn't bitter. All he wanted to do was play. He seemed to say: "Forget about the last five years! It's not too late! It's not too late!"

I seem to be saying the same thing. "Forget about the last 28 years! It's not too late! It's not too late." But what bothers me is that each BAD day that passes is one more day that brings me closer to "too late". 'Cause I ain't gettin' no younger neither!

Nothing is worse than loneliness and isolation combined with inactivity. All the ghosts, all the shadows come out to play. There's nothing worse than the clammy sweat of cabin fever. There's nothing worse than insomnia and malaise. Now that I've quit drinking I have one less short-term aid.

But things could get worse. I do have friends - the best friends in the world - but I just happen to be terribly isolated from them. I don't have much of a family, but my friends make up for my family.

I crave ATTENTION! I crave HUMAN LOVE! I crave friends, family, belonging. The only reason I constantly express so much hatred toward the dullards is that they find it so easy to attain what I most want: friends, family, love, companionship, healthful activity with others.

I need to live - and live constantly - NOW! Before it really is too late. It's bad enough that I've wasted so many years. I just don't want to waste anymore. I'm like Hobie.

I have so many qualities. I'm talented, intelligent, good-looking. If I could just get past the isolation - the WORST poison and poverty of all - I could have EVERYTHING!