The Christian Comedian

I was going on my daily walk down Ocean Grove boardwalk (yes, my life is mostly made up of gentle old man routines - am I in some kind of rush to be a benevolent old man?) when I walked past the Christian queer-hating pavilion. Dyke couples always want to marry in the pavilion but the Methodist church owns the joint and God Hates Fags!

Ocean Grove is still a dry town. It was founded by prim and proper Methodists. In the summer they still have large Christian conferences, the town is swamped by Christians living in temperature-controlled tent cities.

On this day a Christian comedian, I believe his name was Tim Brennan, was performing in the pavilion. What was odd was that he was basically doing a Christian version of Rodney Dangerfield.

He started off, in a Rodney Dangerfield voice: "Oh, boy! I'm tellin' ya! I get no respect! I went to my podiatrist and he told me he hasn't seen so much corn since he was a kid growing up in Nebraska! I get no respect!"

I wanted to tell my friend Todd Montesi - a comedy veteran - about this. He would have had a good laugh.

But I like guys like Tim Brennan because they are paradoxically creepy and comfortable. Watching him made me want to go back to Ocean City, New Jersey when I was 13 years old. I was in the middle of puberty, wanted nothing more than to have sex with all the hot girls in my class and our aunt took us to see a Christian mime show on the Ocean City boardwalk. Why? I don't know. We were all Catholics and none of us were that Christian. After the show the adults drove home and my cousins and I made fun of the show the whole way. So at least this guy brought me back to the smell of salt, boards, and saltwater taffy. Not to mention a mental snapshot of Lucy the Elephant.

I live and let live. But could you imagine if Tim Brennan fucked with me comedically? Could you just imagine what someone like me - or Todd or whoever - would do to him in a roast or a comedy duel? How easy it would be, like sporting on an injured, crippled deer?

See, what gives one strength is NOT the Lord Jesus Christ. What gives one strength is a lack of limits. I am an eternal, boundless, limitless being. Paradoxically I am also contained (while being uncontained) and individual. I am flexible, adaptable. I follow the comedy Tao. Anything that comes to me is just absorbed, digested, transfigured, or rejected. It's impossible to hurt me. I am like water.

Once you accept just ONE very narrow, dogmatic, short-sighted philosophy (like Christianity) you have no room to stretch, to step out of the bounds, to experiment, to be funny. And then you end up on the Ocean Grove boardwalk doing a routine for half-deaf old ladies while other comics are snorting coke and having orgies (well, a small number of them anyways.)

But we need Tim Brennans. I have nothing against him. Honestly I thought he was pretty funny! But could you imagine if he said to one of the old ladies: "Corn! Nebraska! I want to shove corn up some pussy! Let me shove it up my fucking ass!"

Imagine that. I know I did.