Max's Famous Hot Dogs, the Dangers of Philosophical Pessimism, and the Paradigm Shift

Night and Day is my favorite magazine. Night and Day is a Jersey Shore beachcomber rag, mostly made up of ads and very poorly written - though always positive and enthusiastic - reviews of sponsor bars and restaurants. Forget The New Yorker with their boring stories on neuroscientists, Guggenheim retrospectives, and the early work of Frank Lloyd Wright. I'd rather masturbate to Miller Lite and Yuengling ad spreads featuring pictures of local Jersey girls - their caucasian skin artificially tanned the color of a fresh carrot - quaffing said brews while farting in their tight, slutty pants. These were the sort of girls I could never get in High School because there is quite obviously something wrong with me.

Night and Day is the best toilet-reading material I have ever known. Yesterday I defecated while reading a review of Max's Famous Hot Dogs. This is what I read as I expelled waste from my bowels:

"A Long Branch tradition since 1928, Max's Hot Dogs is said to be a favorite of local celebrities, including Bruce.
Max's uses quarter pound Schickhaus hot dogs, slow cooked to make them extra juicy and delicious. Max's isn't just called famous because they felt it was good marketing, they really are extremely popular around New Jersey.
As former governor Christine Whitman once said, 'We can all concur that Max's in Long Branch serves the most outstanding hot dogs in New Jersey'."

I cannot read of Max's without thinking of my High School crush, Samantha Epstein. Samantha worked at Max's the year after High School. I think that was her first step toward becoming an ugly old yenta hag. Do her arms now feel like a hard palm stroke against a wet, half-deflated rubber balloon?

When I watch the dreams of others (not to mention my own) die so hard it is hard not to fall head first into philosophical pessimism. Kierkegaard is a great komfort when the world seems so dreary and depressing. There are so many traps and a person as openminded as me is liable to fall into all of them.

This is, after all, a world where people like my mediocre sister succeed. My sister is an adult now while I remain in some kind of state of arrested development.

But see, now that it appears as if a major paradigm shift is taking a place (or about to take place) I will be most fit to reap the rewards of the New Age. The future will, indeed, favor those who - like me - have learned to become physically, mentally, and spiritually strong. Most importantly, the future will be kind to those of us who have learned to ADAPT. Those of us who have learned to live the same with one million dollars or one cent.

In the future we will have to be strong, flexible, fast, agile, nimble, lightfooted, and adaptable. Cell phones are too heavy. They do nothing but weigh me down and slow my step.