My Anti-Depression Regimen

Ingmar Bergman was right. Depression is a cancer of the soul and the tumors require radiation.

The infection smothers the soul, weighs down the will, paralyzes the body, saturates and sickens the cells, muddles the mind, bores the brain, tires the sun and trees, and generally sickens - to the point of an inner and numinous outer gangrene - the being and all of Being. This is a very trite, very cliche, very hackneyed description of depression, but this is exactly what it is - a murky, mucky, cancerous blackness of mind, body, and soul.

The worst part of the depression is the anhedonia: the inability to feel pleasure. I can deal with the pain, the moldiness in my stomach, the hunger from not eating, the heaviness in my chest, the lump of uncried tears in my throat, the numbness and soreness in my face. What I cannot deal with is the loss of happiness and pleasure. I even refuse to accept a negative "happiness", a relief (at least!) of pain, but no pleasure. That's a Buddhist's happiness and I have no desire to lose desire. I'm "detached" enough as it is.

I have been happy before, have I not? I have also known pleasure.

So I put myself on regimens designed to purge me of the poisonous sickness.

Here is a general outline of my regimen:

1. 24 ounces of acai berry juice. Acai berry has been known to relieve symptoms of depression. Acai berries are also natural laxatives. My diarrhea will be as black as coal. The black is the sickness leaving. I drink the acai juice first because fruit can only be digested on an empty stomach.

2. Two teabags of detox tea. I live in an older house. Lead dust, rat poison, and other toxic chemicals are in my environment, contributing to the physiological aspect of my depression. The detox tea is a diuretic, so I will spend the next several hours urinating poison.

3. I will pop three vegan gelcaps (to avoid any risk of Mad Cow disease) of St. John's Wort a day. St. John's Wort is incredibly effective, but it causes gastrointestinal pain. Good. Anything that makes me have to go even more is good. Defecation is a good way of dealing with boredom, ennui, and malaise. Sometimes - especially on a boring Sunday - I will make my stomach as upset as possible so that I will have something to do that day.

4. Intense exercise. The beads of sweat are hatred leaving my body.

5. Healthy food, B Vitamins, etc... No meat. Not much dairy (dairy causes too much mucous.) I try to avoid artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives. I have been struggling with a debilitating swallowing phobia (phagophobia), so most of my nutrients are taken in liquid form.

Well, that's it. I cannot wait for the day when my feces are translucent white!